Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
two words: eviction party
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
