If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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