Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
