I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize