Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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