He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You may now shotgun with the bride
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
