If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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