Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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