i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...