Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.