I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
