Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
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No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
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I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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