Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
