I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
