called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
