pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
