when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
