I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
