I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
