Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
