I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
