someone threw a dead crab at me
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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