He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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