I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
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