I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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