I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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