Porn is love you can see.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
