Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
