Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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