dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
