a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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