smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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