Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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