Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
