The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
