I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
