Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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