Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
