idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
