So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize