Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
