Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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