I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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