She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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