No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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