people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
