i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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