Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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