You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
