Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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