I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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