my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
