I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
