my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
