Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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