I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
