R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
