My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You can't motorboat a personality
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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