JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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