If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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