The maid of honor just puked.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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